In Greek mythological story “Oedipus Rex,” the Oracle of Delphi tells a king and a queen that their unborn child will one day kill the father and marry the mother. King Laius and Queen Jocasta do everything they can to prevent this from happening, including abandoning the child when he is born, leaving him on a mountain side.
The child is found and raised by a shepherd in Corinth. Years later, Oedipus is told by the same Oracle of Delphi that he will one day kill his father and marry his mother. He flees from Corinth to avoid this fate. On the way, he meets a man at a crossroads who treats him with hostility. In a fit of rage, he kills him. When he arrives at his destination, he solves the riddle of the Sphinx and is rewarded with the hand of the widowed Queen Jocasta.
Years later, a plague hits Thebes and, upon investigation, Oedipus’ lineage is discovered. He realizes that he has unknowingly fulfilled the prophecy and is overwhelmed by shame — which blinds him (metaphorically and literally). In his despair, he gouges out his eyes and says the following:
“What good were eyes to me, when nothing I saw brought me joy?”
The Problem With Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
First of all, what the heck was wrong with the Greeks? What a horrible story. But the story is far too close to home to ignore. It’s January 10, 2025 – and millions of people are beginning to feel the tug-of-war between the goals they got excited about in December, and the price of seeing them accomplished in January.
Shame is an interesting topic, because it held such an important place in my life for so long.
In a Facebook post from a few days ago, I was reminiscing about the process of “letting go” of your imposter and stepping into your calling.
One day you will see past all of it.
It’s not that fear goes away, you just don’t respect it anymore. People will still think what they think, but cheap opinions won’t move you like they once did.
The insecurity that tried to intimidate yo will just be a memory.
What we do not realize is that when we are young we need a protector. We feel afraid and do not know what to do, and our imposter shows up to save us. It is easier to put on the face so you will not be rejected.
It was never trying to hurt you, it was built to help you.
Like breaking up with an old friend who has changed too much and is too far gone, you will have a sense of sadness in saying goodbye. Part of you will miss them… but you know you cannot take them with you.
Your imposter is like this. Your fear is like this. Your shame is like this. And then, one day, you see PAST it. And you realize what it was there for… in doing so you understand that you just don’t need it anymore.
Becoming NEW isn’t a 10 year event.
It is a moment.
You work up the courage to say goodbye, and then you become… new. Tomorrow you might have to remind yourself. Then the next day.
But one day something happens and you realize you forgot that there was an old you. It did its job, and you said goodbye, and it is no longer there.
And you made it.
Nothing can stop you. Nothing can break you. Nothing can corrupt you. You are who you were born to be, and that is enough. The crowd can say what they must. Their rejection has nothing to do with you… it means that they have not said goodbye yet… and you will not feel fear but compassion.
You will not feel anger but empathy. Because you know deep down that you made it, and they haven’t.
Congrats when you get here… it means you are free 💪
There are nuances to this but we need to tackle them before you experience them.
First, the effects of shame are not restrained to the world of feeling and emotion. When a person is feeling like they are “not enough,” the toxicity bleeds from the emotional world to the cognitive world. Donald Nathanson talks extensively about this concept in his book called “Shame and Pride: Affect, Sex, and the Birth of the Self” (1994).
The neurochemistry becomes toxic, desperately trying to correct the cognitive bias that is created when you have a big goal but you do not feel worthy of it.
One of the most frustrating outcomes is typically an “avoidance” mindset — when we begin the desperate attempt to avoid feeling the pain of shame and end up making it much worse. The prophecy of the oracle was fulfilled by every party’s attempt to avoid the prophecy.
Notice, if the avoidance attempts had not been made, the ingredients for the tragedy would not have been present.
We must factcheck ourselves when making decisions and isolate why (motive) we are doing the things we are doing before we do them.
- Am I making this decision to avoid the consequences that I am afraid of?
- Am I making this decision because I want to create or attract something that I’m excited about?
While it might seem like a “woo woo” experiment in futility, it can be the difference maker between a horrible decision and a great decision. The other problem is the reticular activating system (RAS). When we are feeling like something is true, our brains default to trying to substantiate it. Most of our subconscious is obsessively focused on finding the things we’re looking for. But these things have a weighing system attached.
When a thing is (a) brand new, novel, or exciting; (b) extremely relevant or important to us; or (c) threatening — we amplify it. With shame, we begin falling into a loop that turns existential. If we accidentally make the leap from “I didn’t do a great job” to “I am not great,” our RAS will start probing the world around us to prove this to ourselves.
As you can imagine, this turns into a downward spiral that is very difficult to escape.
How to fix it
We work a lot with clients on the mental game of success. The truth is, no strategy is going to work if you are subconsciously addicted to things not working. Nobody likes to hear it, but once you fix it, life & progress become almost easy.
In the same way our brains begin probing our circumstances to proof or disprove our believe systems, life tends to probe us for what we believe and how those beliefs alter our decisions. We need to give ourselves enough proof that we do, in fact, deserve the lives we want to live and that progress should come to us. The first thing we want to change is the mental obsessions we allow ourselves to participate in.
We provide a range of tools and mental softwares that can help you do this, but the first (and easiest) is the Morning Formula. Upon waking up, one of the first things I do is sit down, drink coffee and review a document. This document tells me who I am and what I stand for. It explains in crystallized detail how I operate, and what that operation entitles me to have. If you are a religious person, it’s important to note that this document must align with a greater purpose, as it cannot be used to replace the spiritual aspect of who you are and what you serve.
The second tool at your disposal is the purposeful engagement in things that are difficult. If we take a random week (Monday – Friday), at least three of these days involve me doing something difficult in the morning. This will be something I do not enjoy doing and in most cases I would rather avoid altogether. The science of this is simple: if you can do something most people are unable or unwilling to do, you are creating proof for yourself (and your RAS) that you deserve things they do not deserve to have.
This can be working out, cold plunging, or sitting for 20 minutes meditating.
The third tool is more complicated, and more nuanced, but it is just as effective. It triggers the “desrevedness” factor that is tied to your net contribution to society. In the brain you have a chemical called serotonin. Scientists sometimes call this the happy chemical but it is perhaps better defined as the “confidence” chemical.
It releases when you are good at something and that thing is beneficial to the “tribe.” The brain is afraid of physical death and being alone, so we can use this to alleviate those two fears and create a healthy, happy, engaged brain. This article is an example of this practice: I am sitting in my living room making something for the world that I do not have to do and is not particularly profitable for me.
My businesses pay me plenty of money, this blog pays me nothing. However, it is useful in that it produces serotonin and the chemical cocktail that is released in producing this material will make me more money in all of my other work.
If you want a deep dive on this through a religious frame, you can watch the video below.